an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. also labeled as a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion and affection. it may also be described as actions towards others or oneself based on compassion or as actions towards others based on affection.
in this sense i do not believe love exists because the human form is not capable of giving someone all of their kindness, compassion and affection, we are born to fight. violence is in our blood and history.
many people have this misconception about me and think i’m just an asshole and heartless about the subject but let me take the time out to explain to you it’s not that.
i do believe love exists in a different form than it’s defined and what people claim it to be.
love in my eyes is the ability to accept somebody for exactly who they are, their flaws, opinions even if not agreed, their differences and being able to find parts of yourself in someone else.
physical and mental connection are both two things that are needed as well.
physical;not in the sense of he or she is good at sex but being able to look at someone at their worst and still be attracted to their features. seeing every line, wrinkle, every beauty and flaw in the person and liking it.
mental connection not in the sense of agreeing with everything; but understanding the other persons views and out looks on life and people. to find things about their mind and brain that you like, thought process, interests and hobbies.
love to me is the ability of being able to find parts of yourself that have long been lost in another, sharing each others pain and happiness, understanding why they are the way they are, never trying to change someone but to better them as a person instead, and wanting to know every little detail about them, their intentions of life, their future, present and past.
once upon a time i was in love with somebody diagnosed with brain cancer. we clicked the first time we ever spoke and had mutual emotions about one another. we both wanted to know everything about each other, we couldn’t miss a thing, not a detail or flaw.
just being able to see her happy, smile and hear her laugh was more than i could ever ask for. cheesy right? but it’s true.
as time went on she got sicker, throwing up, hard for her to walk, and she started to sleep alot more often. one day we went to the hospital together and i was informed along with her that she had a year span left to live. anywhere in the next year she would die because her cancer was growing at a rapid rate.
both of us devastated yet more eager to spend the remaining time she had together and learn about eachother.
she lived in new york (where i live) but went to school in cali at UCLA. she was going to become a brain surgeon believe it or not, so she’d be gone for awhile and come back to visit when she could. when she was in cali we’d text non stop, talk on the phone every single night until both of us had fallen asleep. if one fell asleep first the other would stay on the phone until passing out. it was like we were together even when we weren’t.
she got sicker though, and as time passed even sicker. we started spending alot time together in the hospital, sleepless nights in and out of her room and being forced to sit in a lobby because i wasn’t family. i wasn’t even allowed to sleep with her in the same bed anymore, i’d sit in a chair listening to my ipod tapping my feet out of anxiety just waiting until i was allowed to go back in her room and see her even if it was for five minutes, just waiting until morning so i could go in there for the day. so many nights we went to hospitals, it was shitty.
the night before “it” happened i remember the conversation we had. we were texting each other and fighting because she wanted to stop chemo and stop going to hospitals because she didn’t want to spend the last of her life in one. i’d probably do the same but i argued with her because i was looking out for her best interest even if she didn’t like what i had to say.
she told me “i want you to live your life for you. i want you to be kind to others even when they are mean and show everyone what an amazing heart you have because it’s something that doesn’t come around often.” she said she was tired and wanted to sleep, i wanted to call her but she wouldn’t let me so she said i love you and went to sleep.
so i thought.
the next morning i woke up to find out she killed herself. she took all of her medication for her brain cancer and left me with a note to read on myspace at the time.
she explained that she was sad and miserable, she told me i was the only thing in the world that gave her any hope or happiness and that she was scared to go to sleep one night and be dead the next morning. she was scared of not knowing when she would die. she told me since she lost control of her live she wanted to at the very least be in control of her death, and she was.
a day doesn’t go by where your name, your memory, and your voice plays out in my head. so many times i want to crawl in bed with you and kiss you, look into your eyes and tell you that i miss you and love you. your heart was the most amazing thing and your kindness you had for everyone was amazing. i never met anyone as pure as you, i haven’t met a single person that can live up to you and you always had faith in me and thought so highly of me. i hope you understand that i think the highest and best of you, that you will always be the most amazing person to have ever step foot into my life.
overall i really just want to hear your voice again, it’s been two years to long. your physical body may be dead but i know your conscious and spirit lives on. your heart, your love and your happiness is what keeps me alive katie just like you said i did for you.
without you i would be dead to this day. you live inside of me, you live and walk with each step and breath i take, your memory will never die and neither will you. i look forward to one day speaking and seeing you again and until then please know that i am just waiting for it come.
i did many stupid things, trying to take my own life but i’ve learned from them and my mistakes because i still have a job on this planet left to do.
until my dreams are seen fit and until my personal goals are met i will continue to live and you will continue to be my star.
i talk to the sky alot especially at night looking at the stars until i find your star. i talk to this star more than the sky and i know its your star because you shine brighter than the rest do.
i miss you and i love you, and that will live on long after i am dead.
so you guys see, love does exist, it is real and it is something very hard to come across. love isn’t your new boyfriend or girlfriend you’ve had for a month and it’s not about the gifts you buy each other, it’s not about the time spent together either. it’s about the time that you cherish together and the memories you make together.
it’s about knowing a person in depth inside and out, it’s about acceptance and understanding.
it’s a very real and powerful emotion, yet more rare than catching a mewtwo in pokemon.
i hope this clears up your misconceptions about me and my being “heartless” and if it doesn’t than it’s not my problem.
this is honestly the most beautiful thing i have ever read before in my life. i am lost for words